This post if going to be long. I wrote the first post in this series in December and then freaked out because I thought I’d posted it and found out I didn’t and I just didn’t post it after because for some reason it made me anxious BUT it’s a new year and I’m happy and I can explain why without giving you an insight into what December was like for me.
So I’ve been wracking my brain for something to write for the past few days. Mainly because none of my content is pre-planned and I tend not to write if I don’t have inspiration. Which is a blessing and a curse, because I like that my writing is emotion driven and the only way I can really do that is by not planning posts in advance but at the same time there’s always gonna be a possibility of me not posting for ages because of school or like personal stuff.
Basically, I’ve been kind of stuck and I was looking at some blogs trying to find inspiration,which I did btw (we’ll see how long that lasts) and I came across these ‘if we were having coffee’ posts. The idea is pretty simple, it’s basically like a chatty update.
Previous Chatty Update Posts
a bit of a mental health update
So whilst I do drink a crazy amount of coffee, when people who have followed my blog for a bit (lmao such a huge assumption) hear my name it’s associated with my obsession with cake. Which is why I was like, forget about coffee, let’s focus on something important and decided to call this ‘if we were having cheesecake’.
I’m kind of a genius
If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you all about my unpopular opinions.
Like how marshmallows taste weird, and Joey and Rachel were the better couple. How movie remakes are ruining my childhood memories, and how tea has literally no taste whatsoever and therefore coffee will always be better.
If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I’m concerned about my memory
I write posts and publish them and then half an hour later have absolutely no recollection of what I wrote and I’m only 14. That’s not normal, is it?
If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I haven’t really been sleeping
And I 100% blame it on my racing thoughts and that I get really stressed and anxious at night and have to drink coffee in order to calm down. Scientifically speaking, which I shouldn’t even be saying since I can’t do science lol, your brain never stops working but it feels like mine is in overdrive. Two nights ago, I literally went through my life plan in detail for like 5 hours when I should’ve been sleeping and then I just walked around the house because my thoughts just couldn’t shut up.
If we were having cheesecake…I’d tell you that my phone got stolen a few weeks ago
It’s taking ages for the police to track down and the thought of not getting it back makes me nauseous. All my stuff is backed upon iCloud but you need a verification code to log in, and that code just happens to be sent to my phone whenever I want to log in.I have over a thousand notes from this year alone, and the idea of losing that feels like losing myself entirely. I’m not worried abut my contacts, it takes two seconds to DM my friends and ask for their numbers but I don’t think I would handle losing all those notes, and it worries me, because I can genuinely see how far back that would set my recovery.
If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I’ve been in a slump lately
And that makes me feel pathetic. Even though I know it happens to everybody. It feels like everybody is happy, and I know that is the furthest thing from the truth and there are thousands of people who wear masks everyday but it doesn’t feel like that, it feels like I am alone. And it’s not like I can’t reach out, I mean can I talk to my family about it, not really. Do I have friends that would be more than willing to help me and talk to me and be there for me, yes. But I don’t want to be that person. And I know that everybody needs help and that doesn’t make me weak or any less of an independent person but I don’t want to be this huge burden to my friends. Not when I have feelings that are so much larger than myself and thoughts that keep me up all night and a million insecurities and I can’t stay happy for more than five seconds before I slip into periods of depression or anger, not when I have moods with more twists and turns than a rollercoaster.
And maybe it’s because I have this deep rooted fear that they’ll eventually abandon me, that I’ve been lugging around since grade 2. Who knows?
But that being said I think it’s crazy how my double standards work. Tbh, I rarely give advice. I don’t know how to. Which is why I feel like the whole writing about my feelings thing, works. Like I’m probably never going to be able to give you advice but I feel like the reason people say I “help” them is because they somehow learn something from my rambles and from my experiences but that being said if I was to tell you that I’d always be there for you. I’d mean it wholeheartedly. And when i say that i mean call me at 2am, DM me, text me, whatever. If you need someone, I will 100% be there to support you regardless of what’s going in my life. I know a lot of my friends are the same way.
But when people say that to me, at first I’ll be like I definitely will and in the moment I do mean it. But then when I need it, all my insecurities come into play and I won’t talk to anyone about it. I mean I’ll probably write about it, occasionally post it on here but apart from that I literally won’t say a word.
If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you I had no idea this post would end up being so depressing.
Now fast forward to today, it’s the 2 February and I should be at school attending the compulsory tuition for grade 9’s BUT I don’t sleep during the week and I wasn’t about to haul myself to school on a Saturday.
Mood summary: I’m happy, lowkey stressed but I’m at a 2016 level of happiness and that’s major!
If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you that I’m so glad I decided to start Friday 6PM. That it’s been amazing interacting with everyone who’s participated, and learning from other people’s stories and that it makes me happy because I’ve wanted this for so long and it wouldn’t have been possible without you, so thank you!
If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you all about how grade 9 is hard. I’m coping with everything except math. My teacher didn’t even start from the beginning of the textbook, he flipped to a random chapter and started teaching and I’m so frustrated. Basically this week I’ve done NOTHING in math class. Not that he didn’t teach, I didn’t understand. I generally don’t do math in class because not understanding it frustrates me and makes me feel like a total failure and I rarely cry over school but the times that I have, have been because of my inability to do math. Which is why all my classwork gets completed at home in case I feel a need to cry because I don’t cry in front of people. So yeah, math is hard and business studies is stupid, all of it makes less sense than it did before and I have a science test on Monday.
I’ve never wanted to be online schooled more.
If we were having cheesecake... I’d tell you my phone got replaced, even though a year’s worth of thoughts and feelings and writing is still gone, I’m okay. And I’m back on Snapchat so go add me, my recent on Instagram was super cute too. So go show it some love.
If we were having cheesecake… I’d tell you about how I’m no longer in a slump. I have a ton of creative energy and I’ve been working on my WIP and I have a collab coming up soon. And I wrote a short little piece on what feminism means to me for Olivia’s other blog ‘Faces of Feminism’, you can find it here!
But for now school still exists and I should be studying.